A few days ago I experienced a most overwhelming feeling of mommyness. Like in a not so great way. I was flooded with all these negative thoughts about how I missed the freedom of being able to come and go as I please. Don’t get me wrong, I would absolutely never for anything in the world change my status from being a mommy. I love it, and love my baby, and everything that comes with it. It just hit me that my conversation topics with my hubby have dwindled down to poopy potty successes! and what new inedible foods baby tried to eat! and if I’m lucky, what spectacular item is now available for sale at the grocery store! It got to me that I am not going to work and hanging out with adult people. I am not going to school and obtaining an education with like-minded individuals. It got to me that while my baby reached a milestone of crawling around furiously around the house, it meant any extra “fun” things (such as cooking something more interesting than a 5 minute meal) have become almost non-existent.
Yep I chose this route. I did go through the career-oriented phase, I obtained a degree, and made a conscience decision to stay home and raise my baby. Although I secretly
judged looked down on women who went to work right after having a baby (yes I know certain circumstances call for it, I’m referring to working NOT out of necessity), and thought that they are cheating the system by having somebody else raise their kid while they’re out “socializing” (in the workplace, haha), I now UNDERSTAND WHY! It is incredibly difficult to have the patience and tenacity to handle being a stay at home mom! It’s hard! The daily housewife/mom things start catching up and I realize I’ve become a different person! I don’t want to become less interesting to my husband, I don’t want to be irrelevant when conversing with other people, I don’t want to have one major area of interest that I can talk about.
After blubbering it all out and sharing these innermost almost embarrassing emotions, a solution was reached! I cannot expect to be a well-balanced individual if I’m not doing anything about it! It’s ok to give baby to hubby for a few hours for them to go drive around, etc., while I do my things. Any thing, just without the requirement of heeding to baby at the same time. Once a week, maybe two weeks, I will go through the extra hassle to pack and drive far to hang out with maybe a friend or sister, and maybe have them watch the baby for an hour or two while I go do something. I wouldn’t consider myself socially isolated, I would say it’s more of not having enough time WITHOUT baby present. Even if it’s just for an hour a week! I’ll take that 🙂
I keep thinking about the previous generation, especially in my old country, and how parents dealt with life. It didn’t seem that they had much free time to themselves. Or did they? Perhaps because of the fact that many families lived close together it was easier to have somebody watch kids while you go walking to the store a few miles away? Anyways. God give me strength and wisdom to be the mother I was called to be. Throughout this whole motherhood journey, I keep realizing what a terrible idea it is to judge other mothers and the choices they make. Worst thing you can do. Everybody is just trying to survive and stay sane. I never imagined that I would one day go through feelings like that, where I’m envious of those career-focused moms. I’m still holding on to the greater picture where I want to have the most influence on my child, as opposed to somebody else babysitting or raising my offspring.
Alright, off to another great day!